Past loves, past hates, past insanity…

 

i am going to open this by saying that this next post was inspired by a friend of mine and the blog she recently posted. i am sure i will not be nearly as eloquent or thoughtful in my posting, but as i sat there and read through her blog i realized that the reason i hadn’t posted in a week or more was simply because i was afraid to say things that needed to be said in order for me to move on. So here goes…

All through my life i have kept a mental list of sorts, of the people and events that have influenced me, or helped shape me into the person i am today. And while i haven’t had a grand amount of experience in some things the affairs of the heart is one of the things i find myself constantly wrapped up in. In one way or another. So this is a recounting of the Men and yes Women who have touched my life in one way or another, the ones i’ve loved, the ones i’ve hated the ones who have confused the dickens out of me. i hope you find it interesting at the very least.

The first man to touch my life was in fact no man at all, he was a 7 yr old Casanova in my home room class. Oh that sweet boy. Gave me his groovy school jacket to wear. Kissed me by the water fountain while in the lunch line. Made my lil 7 yr old heart skip a beat simply because it was linked with another’s like so many of my friends in school. He’s recently added me to his Facebook friends and it makes me chuckle whenever i see his name pop up on my home page.

There were many years in between that first innocent love and the true romantic love that consumes us to the fullest. Fleeting crushes, what i thought of as broken hearts, disillusioned dreams shattered at my feet. They are memories i hold dear, but not truly notable here.

When i was 18 i had a deeply involved crush on a man who was 11 years my senior. Merciful heavens i had it bad for him. And well he knew it. *chuckles* He was my first foray into the world of physical intimacy. No he did not take my virginity, but that was only because i saw the size of his member and ran out the door like the hounds of hell themselves were chasing after me. Not my finest moment, but one i am glad i happened for much later that same man gave me some wildly erotic episodes that i will never forget to this day. As well as showing me one can be intimate and have it be special without losing all of yourself in the process.

And we mustn’t forget the one who DID swipe my virginity. And yes i say “swipe” because that is in effect what he did. A sexy, muscle bound menace who made me fall (literally) and chip my knee-cap. i should have known what his intentions were from the beginning as in previous nights he had locked me in a bedroom with him and trapped me under himself on the water bed (do you realize how hard it is to fight a determined man on a water bed?). The night he and i were together in that fashion i knew there was no fighting this time and just gave in. Not a moment i am proud of, but at the VERY least my virginity was gone, one hurdle that none of my other friends shared was abolished and i could move on. The jackass tried to say he didn’t have intimacy with me the next morning, but one of HIS friends said “That’s bullshit I can smell the sex in the air.” *snickers* Ahh memories.

After that there were a few choice encounters. A man who “loved” me so deeply he would never argue with me. Even if i picked a fight i was always right even though i knew i was wrong. Made me realize i can never be with a spineless man and be happy.

Then after a few botched relationships, i decided that perhaps i was not meant to be a straight woman. i was approached by a lovely girl with fiery red hair, and freckles who made me laugh and gave me some of the most explosive orgasms i’ve had to date. After a time though it became apparent to me that while women are lovely creatures and sensual to boot, there is just something about a man that makes me quiver and kissing her ended up being like kissing my sister so to save our friendship i ended up leaving that relationship and heading back home.

And then there was my first foreign love. *smiles* Oh how i loved that man. He was very simply the air that i breathed for quite some time. Perfect in every conceivable way. Except he was destined to marry another through an arranged marriage. And after nearly 2 years of pure bliss on the romantic front i knew i had to cut the ties because the simple knowledge that we could not be together forever was just too much for me to handle. Breaking up with him was one of the hardest things i’ve ever done in my entire life. And a piece of me will always belong to that man across the oceans, thousands and thousands of miles away for he touched a part of me that no one else ever has and made me realize what love really could be. And i know that he and his wife and 2 babies are very happy which makes my heart light and brings a smile to my face. i wish him all the happiness in the world.

After that heartbreak there was a time when i simply could not muster up the energy to become romantically entangled with another man. my heart was wounded of my own choosing and for reasons beyond my control. Which made the heartache even more all-consuming.

You know ppl say that online relationships are fake and are not real and cannot make you feel as wonderful or horrible or give you the highs and lows of a physical in the flesh relationship. And i’m here to tell you that that is bogus and complete crap. i have had many relationships online, romantic and simply friendships and some of those relationships are the most intense relationships in my entire life. If everyone is real and honest and opens the real them…the one that is inside and that you might not let out in “real life” relationships it can be one of the most heady experiences of your life because it is based solely on emotions and thoughts and the inner you. Not on race or creed or sexual orientation or social status or even location.

When i finally decided to branch out again it was when i had entered what those in the know call The Lifestyle. Mercy the realization that my thoughts and feelings and inner demons were not in fact taboo, or were not deviant or frowned upon by an entire group of ppl world wide. Whoosh. Quite an eye opening experience. To be embraced for who i was as a person, and not because of anything else, wrapped up in protective embraces and being cared for on a level that i had never felt before. Words fail when i try to express that time in my life. It was without question a defining moment for me though and opened me to a whole new world of possibilities.

There was a British Man and His sweet submissive that took me in and made me feel as if i was someone special. They gave me purpose once again when i was simply flailing in the wind like a butterfly on the breeze trying to find a safe place to land. Having been an accent whore my entire life i was instantly enamored by this Man and His Dominant tendencies. Having never been involved in such a situation before i became head over heels in lust with this Man and His submissive was nearly on the same rung of the ladder of my adoration. They simultaneously made me feel perfect for the first time ever and brought me so low that i never thought i’d see the light of day again. The experiences i had under their tender care were varied and life changing to be sure. And as i’ve aged and matured (especially within the Lifestyle) i can at least say that they taught me how NOT to be a Dominant and what traits to look out for in prospective Dominants in future. And for that i am truly grateful.

After that sordid time in my past i began questioning who i was as a person, as a submissive and made another life changing decision. i had met a kind, tender-hearted slave boy who i instantly wanted to protect. And instantly became friends with him. As time progressed that friendship turned into something much more deep. As love grew and blossomed between us we realized just how much we were alike (perhaps too much so) and how much we truly wanted to be together. And so one fine September day, this lil British slave boy made the trek of his lifetime and crossed an ocean, leaving all of his family and friends and everything he’d ever known to come to America and be with me. Having only seen a photo of me and knowing that i had nothing to offer him but my love.

Oh and love him i did. Still do truth be told. For he has given me two beautiful children and taken care of me and given me many things i had never thought i’d have in my life. We have our issues and perhaps our time together is not a forever kind of thing. Only time will tell, but i do love him and cherish him in every way i possibly can. And to him i say “i’ll love you forever, i’ll like you for always, as long as i’m living my baby you’ll be.”

After a time, i started having feelings that i needed something more, or different in my life. That there was something missing. A vital part of what made me me. So i was hanging out in what had become a place like home to me, a chat room on Buzzen by the name of Good Girls Bad Girls Doms and Dommes. Oh the people i met there. Makes your head spin if you think about it too heavily (which i try not to do). For the first time though i met people who were living the Lifestyle together. In happy or unhappy relationships. Living day in and day out as slaves or submissives or Dominants. In the flesh and blood as it were in some cases. Quite an eye opener let me tell you.

But i digress (that’s for another post)…one night when i was in this place, a Man walked in. Mystery shrouded His very being. For you see, i was a role player from way back. Vampire role play to be specific and after i came to Buzzen there was little to no role play to be had and being starved this Man’s persona and role play ways sparked my interest. And then suddenly, He smiled and showed a hint of glistening sharp incisors. And well ladies and gentleman, i was lost. Instantly ensnared in His trap (even though i’m not certain He was casting one out). He was everything that my previous Dominant’s were not. Caring, tender, genuine and super sexy with that vampire mystique. And so leah was born. she was collared to this Man and He was her entire world at the time. Everything He said or did she was right there for Him at His bidding and He helped heal so many of the scars that were still open and bleeding from my previous relationships within the Lifestyle. In the years since that time and today, He and i have gone through many stages in Oour relationship. Love, hate, tolerance. All wrapped into a big messily wrapped package. And as much as He chaps my hide and makes me want to scream at Him and tear His eyes out sometimes, He makes me feel cherished and special, cared for and accepts me for who i am the good the bad and the ugly. Though truth be told He is one of the few Men in my life Who can make me feel as if i barely exist or if i am a bother or nuisance more than any other. Without even trying, (at least i have to hope it’s not with effort on His part) He can make me feel like i am simply furniture. A part of the background. Yeah He’d miss me if i were gone i think like He’d miss a nice comfortable chair, but there are times that i feel as if i am fooling myself into thinking i mean as much to Him as He has always meant to me. But for all the good and even some of the bad i thank Him and wish Him the absolutely most wonderful future with His new lady love who herself has become one of the people in my life i hold dear.

After that relationship ran its course and was dissolved because of my realization that this Man needed the freedom to find the right kind of girl as His own in the flesh i spent some time flitting around and just enjoying the Lifestyle with my nearly healed scars. Seeing things through new eyes. Opening myself to exploring many different variations of Domination and submission. Learning things at every turn. Maturing within the Life i had chosen to live at least within myself.

And then there were some major milestoney things that happened in my life. A definitive need for something more. A path chosen by all parties involved that opened even more doors for me. Gave me purpose as i had never had it before. And brought me to the feet of the next Man Who brought me to soaring heights of joy and in the end tremendous lows.

i met Him by happenstance, and ended up getting to know Him and He was there for me when i needed Someone of His caliber in my life. He accepted me, cared for me (i have to believe that or i’ll go insane), and showed me that i could submit fully and still retain the parts of myself i had almost always lost before. He took care of me in ways that no one else ever had before. And He made me feel cherished and special. He was everything i thought i needed and wanted in a Dominant Man. He was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, though none of us are however we strive for perfection every day of our lives.

And because of Him, i met another lovely lady. One who opened up that other part of me that hadn’t been touched since my previous relationship with a woman. Only much more intensified. she is a beautiful inside and out, simply lovely and absolutely the sexiest woman i’ve ever had the pleasure of coming into contact with. she has this way about her that draws ppl to her and she has such a giving nature, the likes of which often bring her stress and difficulty as she tries to fix those around her and make sure everyone is okay. All of that only adds to her beauty though. As i’ve said before and will probably say again i would eat her alive with a spoon, that is how delectable she is to me. And regardless of that the future holds i will always love her for who she is now and who she was to me in that special time in my life.

However, as wonderful as those times with the Man above were, they were not meant to be. i have had many thoughts and feelings where He was concerned…oh how deeply i cared for this Man. i haven’t even felt the way i felt about Him about another i know that now as i’ve been removed from the situation. The depth of feelings for Him were so great that when i was released from His collar it felt as if i was being ripped asunder. For awhile even time itself didn’t seem to effect me. i was simply existing in a world that was passing me by. my only goal was getting through every day with my bruised and broken heart still beating and with my head intact and not split right down the middle.

As time has passed i have seen things that have made me question much of Oour relationship and i hate that because it was something that i truly cherish in that locked secret place in my heart. i can only hope that what He once said to me was true, and that He truly felt the way He did when He said those things to me. It is something that, sadly, i will never know for He has closed Himself off from me to the point that i barely know Him anymore. Perhaps it is a defense mechanism against Him feeling something He does not wish to feel anymore, and perhaps it is simply that He doesn’t carry around the same emotional baggage of Oour time together because it didn’t matter to Him as much as it did to me. i do not know. And i suppose that is how it is going to go from now on. As He was famous for telling me…”It’s not about what you want.”

So to those Men and women who have entered and left my life whether fleetingly or for the long haul, i hope that Yyou all have wonderful futures and i hope that i was able to touch Yyou in some way during Oour time together. A new chapter has begun and a new story is on the horizon waiting to be written. i wish Yyou only the best. And love each and every one of Yyou in different, but very real ways.