Recently, i have come upon some rather disturbing news. i have heard many disquieting things that have caused me to turn introspective and search myself within, because the pain was so intense that i could not even breathe for the force of it bearing down upon me.
You spend your entire life building friendships that reach back into your earliest childhood days. They survive storms and turbulence. Soaring highs and depressing lows through all the years. You are hurt, you do the hurting, you forgive and are forgiven. You put all yourself into these relationships. Taking these people into your lives and your hearts. You hurt for them when they are hurting and you rejoice with them when they are happy.
And then one day…years and years into the relationship, something happens. Sometimes it is something similar to something that has happened in the past. Sometimes it is a complete surprise to you when it goes down. And you feel as if your entire world has gone off kilter because of this ordeal.
That relationship you thought was the one thing in your life that has always been there, has always been constant, that would always survive any shitstorm that came your way, falls flat, deflated and decimated in moments. The hurt and the betrayal too much to bear. You wade around in the quagmire of your realizations and try to find purchase once again.
You start to question all of your other relationships. You start to wonder what people truly feel about you. How they see you as a person. And you start to worry that perhaps if this one relationship that was supposed to stand the test of time can falter in such a way, then what is to keep the rest of them afloat in the sea of insanity that surrounds us from day to day.
It is a harrowing experience and it is something that is harder and harder to come back from the more frequently it happens. Because you see, you are able to forgive the previous transgression because of the solidity of the friendship through all the years, but then it happens again and again and you are shook to your very core and unable to grab hold of that forgiveness and use it once again. Sometimes it’s best to just forget and walk away as opposed to trying to rebuild the friendship that shattered at your feet.
So in closing i am going to clear up some of the rumors if i can. Whether or not you believe the truths when they are staring you in your faces is beyond me and not my problem really. If you choose to feel a certain way about someone who has been nothing but genuine and a true friend, lover or confidant to you then i can do nothing about that. It will be your choice. End of story.
my husband and i have recently gone through a great storm of our own in our relationship. One that is not yet done, but one that we are working on. We had the thought to have an open relationship. To be able to find the happiness and fulfillment that we both wanted from the day we got together and fell short of. The open relationship was NOT my idea alone. It was offered up as an attempt at saving the marriage we started together. Period. After a time my husband started having second thoughts and doubts. At this point i was finally realizing the true fulfillment and happiness i had been longing for with Someone that will remain nameless, but who knows who He is if He bothers to read this. And so because of that reason alone i did not want to give up on what i had come to believe was a good thing and something that would help, not hinder our relationship.
Also, it has been brought to my attention that apparently i am a mega-bitch and am nothing but hurtful and mean and nasty at every possible turn. (Forgive the poetic license in wording) That i am this way for no reason whatsoever. And that i treat my husband poorly to put it mildly from what i understand. i will admit that my moods and attitudes tend to leak over into other areas of my life if i am upset or terribly depressed or if i feel trapped. It is not something i am proud of, but it is a fact. A truth i have not really hidden from those that know me. i do not fake things. i do not have it in me to pretend to be happy and charming and sweet if i do not feel that way inside. Fake it til you make it is something that is foreign to me, but apparently something i am in dire need of attempting.
As i said, if you chose to believe a certain way about me then that is your business and not something i can even begin to expend the energy to change. i am me. As i have always been. i am flawed, i am human, i am nowhere near perfect. Either you will accept me in all my imperfectness or you will not. i will miss those friendships as they have come to mean so very much to me. It will mean losing a part of my heart if i lose some of you, but i will not subject myself to doubts or ridicule or intrigue because of rumors that have been spouted by someone who you would think would know the truth, but once again has clouded everything to make it seem as if they were the better person and i am once more a trifling whore of a woman who doesn’t deserve even the semblance of a real friendship from anyone.
To that “friend”…i should not be surprised by what has happened yet again. And yet somehow i am floored. Simply shocked and awed at the audacity with which you conduct yourself and your life. And how you think that doing these things is a way to gain you friendship or make yourself seem the better person. Two-faced does not even begin to sum up your behavior. And i am done. Simply done trying to salvage what is not there anymore. To you i wish you the happiness you so very much wish that i never have. Perhaps if you find true happiness then you will not feel the need to disparage others in front of their friends and confidants. Blessed be.
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