The Mask

 

Have you ever had that time in your life when you thought that everything was hopeless? Have you ever thought that no matter what you did it wouldn’t make the tiniest bit of difference in the way your world looked? Have you ever thought back on your life and wondered where you went wrong? Have you ever tried to reason out what steps took you to the place you are at in your life right now?

i think a lot of us go through life on autopilot. Or maybe even really doing okay. Getting through life one step at a time and working through life’s many twists and turns.

And then suddenly, something happens. Could be massive or tiny, but something happens and makes us realize that maybe we aren’t as good off as we thought we were. Or that we have been fooling ourselves into thinking we are okay, when in reality the life we live from day to day is only a mask for the despair and hopelessness we feel deep inside.

Because under the surface of our happy, charming selves is a scared lil person who is hanging onto our sanity by a slowly fraying rope. We try to give off the persona that we are just fine. Nothing bothers us and everything is right in the world. When in reality we are a jumbled, tangled up mess.

Having made the wrong choices somewhere along the way. Having taken a right turn when we should have made a left turn along our path of life. Hoping that one day we are going to be able to see the light of day again. Hoping that for once the powers that be will actually shine a light on us and give us some happy times or a touch of luck.

Until then, we will keep our smiles in place. Forgive us if the masks slip from time to time. If our friendly exterior falters and we close in on ourselves. It’s not anything that you as our friends have done. It’s not anything that we intend to happen. Just sometimes it gets to be too much and we are not superhuman and have to fight our way back to that calm facade. Have patience and understanding. That’s all we ask.

An Encounter To Remember

 

 

As the girl sits talking with Him, she smiles to herself. Their conversation running through many different subjects until suddenly He asks the question "What are you wearing under that night shirt?" Sitting on her front porch of a very busy street, she feels her body get just a bit tense and her heart skip a beat as she says "Nothing." Closing her eyes she feels her skin grow tingly as He says "Well why don't you reach down there and pet that pussy for Me?"

That was all it took...the girl lifted her night shirt right there in full view of anyone who might have been looking out their front windows, or who might have driven by...and began petting her pussy up and down...slow strokes designed to torment Them both. Slowly she dips one finger in and brushes it over her throbbing clit...whimpering quietly into the phone the girl shudders on the porch swing. Stroking and petting...she writhes for Him...the world narrowing down to the sound of His deep masculine voice in her ear...telling her what to do and how she is a "good girl".

Being the seasoned and experienced Man that He is He can tell that her whimpering and soft lil moans have reached a fevered pitch...and after a moment she hears Him tell her to cum for Him. Groaning...she arches back on the swing...her head falling over the back and her hips jutting forward in a reflexive move as she shudders hard...instantly soaking her rubbing hand with her sweet juices.

her breathing ragged and her heart racing she shivers...shaky little sighs slipping from her as He rumbles His approval in her ear. A warm glow spreads through the girl's still quivering form as she hears the note of pride in His voice. Talking her down the special Gentleman on the other end of the line talks about this, that and whatever...catching her off guard. However, the girl is so wrapped up in Him that He could tell her to walk across hot coals and she would be willing to do so.

Suddenly....He asks how wet she is. And without a moments hesitation He urges her to repeat her earlier performance. His constant praises of "good girl" and "My good girl" resonate through her shuddering form as she writhes and moans...her sounds escalating a bit more than before, almost uncaring as to who might hear or see her pleasuring herself because HE said so. The knowledge giving her a courage she never would have had before and making her brazen and bold in her movements.

Crying out softly in pure ecstasy she explodes over the edge of release one final time. He is quietly pleased with her exhibitionism and makes her feel truly cherished and protected with His words and tone of pride and approval. As she continues to make happy little sounds of sated pleasure, The two say goodnight, Him sending her off to bed with a sweet smile on her face. Drifting off to dreamland with thoughts and possibilities of the future with this most wonderful of Men as her Guide and Strength.

What Slavery Means To Me

 

To me slavery means giving all of your control and your rights over to the Dominant Who owns you. Giving freely and with all your heart. The honor to please that Dominant is priceless and should be revered. Slavery is a cherished action. One that so many attempt and so few are truly able to accomplish.

We as people are always so worried about what others think. About how we are and how others perceive our moods, attitudes and actions. Constantly being drawn into that dramatic way of things. The consistent worry about how others see us can cause so many problems within ourselves that everything else gets clouded up in the process of living life.

However, slavery to the proper Dominant can free us from that ambition. That sneaky, slippery ambition of trying to please and appease and prove ourselves to everyone around us. Because we are only to be ultimately concerned with pleasing One Person. The One Who owns us. It is a very freeing sort of bond.

To give all of yourself, heart, mind, body and soul to Another is a scary and thrilling proposition. And that is what true slavery means to me. Being able to offer up everything of oneself in order to please the One they belong to.

It is a hard won battle to be sure. And something that is forever being molded and sculpted and sought after everyday of our lives. For we are human after all and it is a constant struggle to give up everything into Someone else’s hands.

Mayhap there will come a day when that is not the case. And perhaps it is that way for some from the beginning. But for me, slavery is something i feel deep within, and it is something that i know i have to work at and work toward every moment of every day. In every one of my actions and thoughts i pray for the time when it’s not something that needs thinking about but simply something that is as natural as drawing my next breath.

But in the end…it is an amazingly surreal and freeing result. we are able to let the cares and weights the world impresses upon us go and trust in our One that He or She will handle whatever might come out way or be thrown at us. we are able to truth in our slave bonds and finally relax, knowing we are safe and protected giving that control over to Another.

It takes much and it takes quite a time to build that level of trust. So that we can truly live the life of a true slave. And everyone is going to backslide from time to time and we are all going to have issues that come at us. For those of us who are normally in control, be it in our jobs or with our children or other friends…it is our duty to give everything over to Them and let Them handle everything for us and know that They won’t steer us wrong. Guiding us through life’s little mysteries and problems and joys.

It is an awesome and outstanding thing to experience. And it is something that i sincerely strive to accomplish every day of my life.

Freaky Stacy Rears Her Head…Beware.

 

Urolagnia is a term associated with "pee play". The action of watching someone urinate or urinating on someone. Also of seeing someone wet their clothing or wetting ones clothing can be considered in the same category. The word comes from the Greek words ouron meaning urine and lagneia meaning lust. Which is incredibly apt when considering the aspects of this particular fetish.
    A person is taught from the age of accountability that you should not watch someone while they relieve themselves, or that it is something that is supposed to be done in private. Quickly, quietly and should only be talked about when absolutely necessary.
    However, with urolagnia, it opens up the doors and knocks down the barriers we have unconciously built around ourselves or had set up around us by others and allows us to experience and visualize the relieving of oneself as something interesting at least, and erotic at most.
    Different people have different viewpoints on what is acceptable and what is not when it comes to potty play as well. Some would be okay with watching someone be urinated on, or being urinated on. On the same token others would be perfectly fine drinking the urine or someone else or themselves.
    It is a considerable taboo, even among lifestylers to enter into potty play. It is generally considered almost as bad as scat play, but not quite. Some never even truly realize the fantasy in real life because they consider it such a terrible thing to let happen. Some find the fantasy of the urination as sufficient for themselves always.

 

    There have been famous people who were not ashamed of their desire to urinate or be urinated on. Like Shirley Manson, the lead singer of Garbage, who complained about men who were afraid of body fluids and wrote songs about Golden Showers. As well as Annie Sprinkle, the porn actress who got her name because of her affinity for bodily fluids.

    There is a form of urolagnia that is incredibly appealing to me as a slave. The act of desperation. Being forced to hold my urine. Or having to ask and knowing that the possibility is there to be kept waiting to urinate at someone else's desire. i find that highly erotic.
    Also there is the thought of being urinated on. As if the person were marking their territory like an animal, as well as humiliation factor that is imbedded in it because it has been such a taboo thing to consider.
    The thought of swallowing someone's urine or being used as a true toilet in that manner has it's appeal as well, but only for certain people. i would certainly not want to be used as a potty slut for everyone i come in contact with in that manner.
    The whole act of being urinated upon is something that is seriously appealing to me. i have a desire to experience because of the humiliation factor as well as the desire to truly belong to someone in such a way. So it is an appealing thought all the way around.
    The thought of potty play puts me in a strange state of mind. When those in the know so to speak use that particular fetish in play it instantly makes me feel as slavish as i have ever felt. i do not know if it is because of the fact that it is such a no no. A naughty little secret that it fires off all the bad girl receptors in my brain or what.
    i think a lot of the feelings that come from potty play stem from the fact that it is such a taboo exchange. Something so much more personal than simple whipping or flogging. Not that those things are not in and of themselves a trigger for the slave inside of me. Pain has always been such. However, the thought of being used as a toilet or made to keep from pottying until the Dominant in question decrees it is alright is something that makes me quiver.
    Of course there is the humiliation factor as well. As appealing as it may seem and as fun as the actions might be, there is still the humiliation involved in serving as someone's toilet. And the thought that you might actually wet yourself if you are not allowed to urinate in a good amount of time is incredibly embarrassing and fully humiliating if it were to happen. Just the prospects make me squirm.

 

    Having my urination under someone else's control is something that is in and of itself a level of submission. Giving up all the control of even your most basic functions to Another is something that i was trained to do and something that i haven't had for many years. It is something that is appealing to me because again, it makes me FEEL like a slave more than simply kneeling beside His chair might do.
    To reach that level of submission with Someone is something i miss and something that is a yearning inside of me to once again achieve. It is a way to make a slave feel like a slave even if she is not there with the Dominant in real life. It is a way to make online D/s more "real". Just a few thoughts on the subject. *grins wickedly* Hope it didn’t scare anyone. LOL
   .

Life or something like it…

When speaking to a friend this morning during one of my endless bouts of not sleeping well, we discussed our lack of “a life.” Then later when speaking to another friend, the same subject came up out of the blue. Of our having little to nothing in our lives to truly constitute “a life.”

So as i went off to do some dishes, my mind started wandering. Hand deep in the hot soapy water, i was able to think on things i haven’t focused on for awhile now.

Many times over the years i have heard (especially since the invention of the internet) countless times people disparage others for having no life because they spend time online. Or even people talk down about themselves and their lack of a life because of their choice to spend time in chat or whatever the case might be.

my personal take on it is this…

i have a life. It may not be the life that others have. Or that others choose to have. i may not be on the go twenty four hours a day or constantly entertaining others in my home. However, i have a life. i have a husband and 2 beautiful children. i have friends that i speak to on the phone every so often. i have family that i get together with for holidays and a few choice ones that i see more often than that. In addition i have made the choice to spend time getting to know a world FULL of amazing people thanks to the internet. i CHOOSE to spend much of my free time online because it quite simply makes me happy. i have met some wonderfully delightful people. Experienced delicious decadences. As well as learning more about life, ideals, fetishes, beliefs and about myself than i ever thought possible.

So for those of us out there who spend our days taking care of our children, doing housework, blogging, playing Facebook games and/or chatting i have this to say to you…Enjoy the life you’ve chosen to lead! Don’t get bogged down in the expectations and condemnation of others. Forget the rhetoric you’ve been preached your whole life about having to go go go and constantly have “something to do” and just take joy in the things you ARE doing in your days.

Life or something like it indeed…*winks*

Happy 2nd Birthday Baby Ronan!!!

 

As today is my son’s 2nd birthday i find myself drifting back over his birth and the days following that event. Both of my children were conceived in a surprising manner. Both have become the driving force of my life.

i had both of my children via c-section. Planned from the get go for delivery (Thank the good Lord. LOL). my second pregnancy seemed to be much easier than my first. No bed rest, no strange testing that had to be done to insure he was alright. Normal in the grand scheme of things compared to my first go around.

The delivery was a bit scary, because he was already headed down the birth canal when they got me in, so he had swallowed a bit of the nasties and wasn’t breathing when they took him out and started cleaning him off. He wasn’t moving. That’s one of the only things i remember in the midst of the chaos of surgery and the insane itching i was dealing with from the aftereffects of the spinal block. He wasn’t moving.

i made hubs go over and check out the situation because it was a scary scary thing for me to look over and see him flopping around completely lifeless. But they sorted it out and he seemed fine. A healthy 8 lb 12 oz baby boy. Oh what a sweet thing.

That night, they brought him to me and i snuggled down, turning the lights out and just snuggling my new bundle of joy, drifting off to sleep with him in my arms. Amazed at the fact that i was blessed with such a wonderful little boy. Suddenly i noticed that he was moving in a strange way. So i watched him for awhile concern growing as he continued twitching in a manner that was contradictory to normal newborn muscle twitches.

It lasted only moments, but i mentioned it to the nurse. Of course i was told i was just being overprotective and that he was fine. He did it again a day or two later while my husband was holding him. And again we were told we were being silly. It was not until the day we were scheduled to check out of the hospital (some five days later) that he apparently started the same twitching while being held by one of the nurses.

And so they spent a lot of time, a lot of worry and a lot of scary times working on him. Spinal taps, EEG’s, every test known to man to figure out the cause of the seizures they finally admitted he was having. He was moved to the NICU and hubs and i were moved to another part of the hospital and allowed to stay for free, given a food voucher and the whole nine yards.

They took very good care of him. And of us. Was a scary time in my life though for certain. They made noises about him being a drug baby. And i had to take drug tests. They talked about keeping him for months and things of that nature. Was the hardest time i’ve ever been through before.

After a few days they determined there were no reasons for his seizures and they hadn’t continued on from that day we were supposed to leave (nor have they resurfaced to date). They finally let us go home. i have to say though that taking my boy home to his sister and his loving family was the best feeling i’ve felt in a long long time.

i am insanely overprotective of him and i pity the woman who eventually tries to grab his heart. i think i am going to make Raymond’s Mom on Everybody Loves Raymond look like a cake walk compared to me. LOL i love both of my children. Don’t get me wrong. They are the light of my life.

So in closing, i’ll say Happy Birthday Baby Ronan! Mommy loves you dearly. And wishes you only the best in your life. Today, even though i know that you don’t understand it i hope in some unconcious part of your psyche you are able to smile and take a few moments and just revel in the love surrounding you in this, the beginning of your second year of life.

my life in music…okay just the past few years…

 

While i was playing around tonight on Facebook and through chat and various other silly entertainments online, i went to my trusty YouTube favorites list. i realized as i looked through the choices i had saved as favorites over the past couple years that if one decided to look into that folder they would almost exactly be able to tell to the date what might have been going on in my life at the time because of the choice of videos i saved at that time.

So i thought, why not give those of you who care an insight into my mind a wander through my emotional baggage as it were both good and bad. Brace yourselves it’s gonna be a bumpy ride!

The list starts 7 years ago with…

Always a good therapeutic set of songs is Evanescence to me. When i feel trapped or useless or just plain fed up with the way my life is going at the time i almost always pull out these never fail videos and get a little musical therapy.

Heading down the list of songs you come upon some southern gospel stuff that i have always been engrossed in. David Phelps and Guy Penrod are quite simply some of the most powerful male singers i’ve ever heard and they give me chills with some of their work. Below is a sample…i hope you might take a listen and not be hampered by the fact that it is southern gospel music. Truly wonderful stuff.

As you continue on a meandering journey through my musical history over the past few years, you run into a song that my loving husband has often sang to me. The words are super cute and hold a beautiful message about how it matters not what a person looks like, but that the person they are inside makes them beautiful and worthy of love.

Continuing on it seems for awhile the only videos i saved were ones that made me laugh or ones that others have given to me to watch that i found interesting or amusing. The next is one such video. Given to me by SodomyoftheLash one night when Wwe were hanging out in chat. It fits both bills, amusing and interesting.

For some reason after those videos, there is a whole host of Doctor Who inspired videos that i do not remember saving. *eyes her husband* Though i have to say this one is one of my favorites and i listen to it every so often. Figured i’d add it as well for those of Yyou out there who are Doctor Who fans like myself. *winks*

Following that, a couple of years ago i was handed this video as well. Funnily enough by Lash also. LOL And so began my love affair with Nightwish and Tuomas (the sexiest keyboard player ever to live in my humble opinion).

About a year ago, i was very certain my marriage was ending. After four years it seemed as if it were slipping through my fingers by degrees with every day that passed. And so this is one of the songs that i could not seem to get out of my head during that time.

Quite the rollercoaster of emotions huh? *grins wickedly* It gets better. LOL Trust me.

About 8 months ago, the actress, Britney Murphy passed away. For some reason her passing touched me profoundly. She always seemed like such a nice girl. Was a lovely actress and wasn’t in the media’s critical eye overly much like so many you see today. So i was compelled to look up my favorite memory of her on screen.

You’ll notice throughout that some of the videos are not the actual video of the songs they represent. That is because of a couple of reasons. The first being my laptop is rarely loud enough for me without headphones and sometimes when someone makes a video like this the sound is louder than the original artistic rendering. And secondly, because to me the words in a song make the song. They are what matter most to me. So the lyrics are an asset, i do not care whether or not the cinematography was excellent or not.

But i digress…as we continue on we come to the time in my very recent past when i was experiencing some very low emotional times on this coaster that is my life. This song seemed to sum up my situation perfectly. i hope it touches you should you choose to listen to it.

Then we come upon a selection of music that has been my theme tune for awhile now. Very poignant and true to life i think for me at this point.

It’s amazing to me that you can see the differences in my moods and the emotional state i was in during these times simply from the music that touched me inside. For the last of the songs on my favorites list are all happy songs. Songs like Travie McCoy’s “Billionaire” and Black Eyed Peas “I Got A Feeling” and the infamous Katy Perry song i’ve been obsessed with lately.

These songs themselves can give me a better understanding into myself and my mental state as it were, because if i were not feeling better emotionally, or feeling more secure and stable and settled in a lot of ways i would not be picking happy lil fun songs to listen to, as you can see from above.

So in closing, friends, i hope that i have at the very least amused you for a time. Perhaps introduced you to a new song or group. Or even made you stop and think of your own musical choices and what they say about you at that time in your life. Music is something i cannot bear to live without and i am thankful to have had the opportunity to share a glimpse into myself with you today.

Sweet Sweet Memories

 

Having posted recently about my sordid romantic past memories and thoughts have plagued me. So i thought i’d share something that is very sweet to me and brings a tear to my eye every time i read it. It was written to me by an ex-love. Such a sweet and wonderful man. And so intelligent and imaginative to boot. i hope it makes you smile at least a little bit when reading it.

“Your eyes are closed, flickering sometimes as you see, the images of dreams that only you can see. I stand by your bed and watch you. I wonder what goes on behind the veils that are inaccessible to me. A flicker of a smile touches the corners of your lips and I try to catch it, trying to hold it in place with a kiss. The kiss ends and the smile fades but the light on your face remains.

I sit by your side. Do you feel my hand through your hair? Do you feel my breath on your neck? You shift in your sleep and I withdraw my hand, lest you wake, but the dreams seem to keep their hold and the Sandman has done his job well.

I whisper…telling you how beautiful you are as the moonbeam steals through the window and lights your face. I envy it, I try to hold it back with my hand, but it slips through my fingers and caresses your face. It kisses your lips and I am jealous.

I get up and walk across the room, draw the curtains across the window..”No one can kiss those lips but me” I say. You mumble…like you sometimes do, to mock me and turn away.'

I feel a bit cross and step to your bed thinking I would shake you. How dare you mock me, but then I see your face, like a child hiding in the dark playing a game of hide and seek. I throw my hands in the air and give up. “It’s not fair,” I mumbled. “You always do that to me. Get me all ruffled up and then get away without even a sorry.”

I sigh a soft sigh. “I know this battle I’ve lost. You are your dreams prisoner and I am yours.” I kiss your forehead and pull your blanket to your chin. You sigh just a little sigh and snuggle up within.

Slowly I creep to the door, backing away a step at a time, every breath I take says “I’ll be back again when you close your eyes. Everyday, every time.”

I blow you a kiss as I reach the door. “Sleep well my love and dream of me, dream well and dream sweet. Dream of love and magical things that may come to be.”

I close the door as I slip out and upon it I place a kiss. “When you wake love, after your sleep, you shall come running and open the door. The sun will shine, the birds will sing and you…will…remember…this.”

*sighs softly and wipes a tear* Such sweet sweet memories. i hope that just once in your life you have a memory like this that can make you cry and smile and fill you with joy all at the same time. Blessed be my friends. You’re in my heart always.

Past loves, past hates, past insanity…

 

i am going to open this by saying that this next post was inspired by a friend of mine and the blog she recently posted. i am sure i will not be nearly as eloquent or thoughtful in my posting, but as i sat there and read through her blog i realized that the reason i hadn’t posted in a week or more was simply because i was afraid to say things that needed to be said in order for me to move on. So here goes…

All through my life i have kept a mental list of sorts, of the people and events that have influenced me, or helped shape me into the person i am today. And while i haven’t had a grand amount of experience in some things the affairs of the heart is one of the things i find myself constantly wrapped up in. In one way or another. So this is a recounting of the Men and yes Women who have touched my life in one way or another, the ones i’ve loved, the ones i’ve hated the ones who have confused the dickens out of me. i hope you find it interesting at the very least.

The first man to touch my life was in fact no man at all, he was a 7 yr old Casanova in my home room class. Oh that sweet boy. Gave me his groovy school jacket to wear. Kissed me by the water fountain while in the lunch line. Made my lil 7 yr old heart skip a beat simply because it was linked with another’s like so many of my friends in school. He’s recently added me to his Facebook friends and it makes me chuckle whenever i see his name pop up on my home page.

There were many years in between that first innocent love and the true romantic love that consumes us to the fullest. Fleeting crushes, what i thought of as broken hearts, disillusioned dreams shattered at my feet. They are memories i hold dear, but not truly notable here.

When i was 18 i had a deeply involved crush on a man who was 11 years my senior. Merciful heavens i had it bad for him. And well he knew it. *chuckles* He was my first foray into the world of physical intimacy. No he did not take my virginity, but that was only because i saw the size of his member and ran out the door like the hounds of hell themselves were chasing after me. Not my finest moment, but one i am glad i happened for much later that same man gave me some wildly erotic episodes that i will never forget to this day. As well as showing me one can be intimate and have it be special without losing all of yourself in the process.

And we mustn’t forget the one who DID swipe my virginity. And yes i say “swipe” because that is in effect what he did. A sexy, muscle bound menace who made me fall (literally) and chip my knee-cap. i should have known what his intentions were from the beginning as in previous nights he had locked me in a bedroom with him and trapped me under himself on the water bed (do you realize how hard it is to fight a determined man on a water bed?). The night he and i were together in that fashion i knew there was no fighting this time and just gave in. Not a moment i am proud of, but at the VERY least my virginity was gone, one hurdle that none of my other friends shared was abolished and i could move on. The jackass tried to say he didn’t have intimacy with me the next morning, but one of HIS friends said “That’s bullshit I can smell the sex in the air.” *snickers* Ahh memories.

After that there were a few choice encounters. A man who “loved” me so deeply he would never argue with me. Even if i picked a fight i was always right even though i knew i was wrong. Made me realize i can never be with a spineless man and be happy.

Then after a few botched relationships, i decided that perhaps i was not meant to be a straight woman. i was approached by a lovely girl with fiery red hair, and freckles who made me laugh and gave me some of the most explosive orgasms i’ve had to date. After a time though it became apparent to me that while women are lovely creatures and sensual to boot, there is just something about a man that makes me quiver and kissing her ended up being like kissing my sister so to save our friendship i ended up leaving that relationship and heading back home.

And then there was my first foreign love. *smiles* Oh how i loved that man. He was very simply the air that i breathed for quite some time. Perfect in every conceivable way. Except he was destined to marry another through an arranged marriage. And after nearly 2 years of pure bliss on the romantic front i knew i had to cut the ties because the simple knowledge that we could not be together forever was just too much for me to handle. Breaking up with him was one of the hardest things i’ve ever done in my entire life. And a piece of me will always belong to that man across the oceans, thousands and thousands of miles away for he touched a part of me that no one else ever has and made me realize what love really could be. And i know that he and his wife and 2 babies are very happy which makes my heart light and brings a smile to my face. i wish him all the happiness in the world.

After that heartbreak there was a time when i simply could not muster up the energy to become romantically entangled with another man. my heart was wounded of my own choosing and for reasons beyond my control. Which made the heartache even more all-consuming.

You know ppl say that online relationships are fake and are not real and cannot make you feel as wonderful or horrible or give you the highs and lows of a physical in the flesh relationship. And i’m here to tell you that that is bogus and complete crap. i have had many relationships online, romantic and simply friendships and some of those relationships are the most intense relationships in my entire life. If everyone is real and honest and opens the real them…the one that is inside and that you might not let out in “real life” relationships it can be one of the most heady experiences of your life because it is based solely on emotions and thoughts and the inner you. Not on race or creed or sexual orientation or social status or even location.

When i finally decided to branch out again it was when i had entered what those in the know call The Lifestyle. Mercy the realization that my thoughts and feelings and inner demons were not in fact taboo, or were not deviant or frowned upon by an entire group of ppl world wide. Whoosh. Quite an eye opening experience. To be embraced for who i was as a person, and not because of anything else, wrapped up in protective embraces and being cared for on a level that i had never felt before. Words fail when i try to express that time in my life. It was without question a defining moment for me though and opened me to a whole new world of possibilities.

There was a British Man and His sweet submissive that took me in and made me feel as if i was someone special. They gave me purpose once again when i was simply flailing in the wind like a butterfly on the breeze trying to find a safe place to land. Having been an accent whore my entire life i was instantly enamored by this Man and His Dominant tendencies. Having never been involved in such a situation before i became head over heels in lust with this Man and His submissive was nearly on the same rung of the ladder of my adoration. They simultaneously made me feel perfect for the first time ever and brought me so low that i never thought i’d see the light of day again. The experiences i had under their tender care were varied and life changing to be sure. And as i’ve aged and matured (especially within the Lifestyle) i can at least say that they taught me how NOT to be a Dominant and what traits to look out for in prospective Dominants in future. And for that i am truly grateful.

After that sordid time in my past i began questioning who i was as a person, as a submissive and made another life changing decision. i had met a kind, tender-hearted slave boy who i instantly wanted to protect. And instantly became friends with him. As time progressed that friendship turned into something much more deep. As love grew and blossomed between us we realized just how much we were alike (perhaps too much so) and how much we truly wanted to be together. And so one fine September day, this lil British slave boy made the trek of his lifetime and crossed an ocean, leaving all of his family and friends and everything he’d ever known to come to America and be with me. Having only seen a photo of me and knowing that i had nothing to offer him but my love.

Oh and love him i did. Still do truth be told. For he has given me two beautiful children and taken care of me and given me many things i had never thought i’d have in my life. We have our issues and perhaps our time together is not a forever kind of thing. Only time will tell, but i do love him and cherish him in every way i possibly can. And to him i say “i’ll love you forever, i’ll like you for always, as long as i’m living my baby you’ll be.”

After a time, i started having feelings that i needed something more, or different in my life. That there was something missing. A vital part of what made me me. So i was hanging out in what had become a place like home to me, a chat room on Buzzen by the name of Good Girls Bad Girls Doms and Dommes. Oh the people i met there. Makes your head spin if you think about it too heavily (which i try not to do). For the first time though i met people who were living the Lifestyle together. In happy or unhappy relationships. Living day in and day out as slaves or submissives or Dominants. In the flesh and blood as it were in some cases. Quite an eye opener let me tell you.

But i digress (that’s for another post)…one night when i was in this place, a Man walked in. Mystery shrouded His very being. For you see, i was a role player from way back. Vampire role play to be specific and after i came to Buzzen there was little to no role play to be had and being starved this Man’s persona and role play ways sparked my interest. And then suddenly, He smiled and showed a hint of glistening sharp incisors. And well ladies and gentleman, i was lost. Instantly ensnared in His trap (even though i’m not certain He was casting one out). He was everything that my previous Dominant’s were not. Caring, tender, genuine and super sexy with that vampire mystique. And so leah was born. she was collared to this Man and He was her entire world at the time. Everything He said or did she was right there for Him at His bidding and He helped heal so many of the scars that were still open and bleeding from my previous relationships within the Lifestyle. In the years since that time and today, He and i have gone through many stages in Oour relationship. Love, hate, tolerance. All wrapped into a big messily wrapped package. And as much as He chaps my hide and makes me want to scream at Him and tear His eyes out sometimes, He makes me feel cherished and special, cared for and accepts me for who i am the good the bad and the ugly. Though truth be told He is one of the few Men in my life Who can make me feel as if i barely exist or if i am a bother or nuisance more than any other. Without even trying, (at least i have to hope it’s not with effort on His part) He can make me feel like i am simply furniture. A part of the background. Yeah He’d miss me if i were gone i think like He’d miss a nice comfortable chair, but there are times that i feel as if i am fooling myself into thinking i mean as much to Him as He has always meant to me. But for all the good and even some of the bad i thank Him and wish Him the absolutely most wonderful future with His new lady love who herself has become one of the people in my life i hold dear.

After that relationship ran its course and was dissolved because of my realization that this Man needed the freedom to find the right kind of girl as His own in the flesh i spent some time flitting around and just enjoying the Lifestyle with my nearly healed scars. Seeing things through new eyes. Opening myself to exploring many different variations of Domination and submission. Learning things at every turn. Maturing within the Life i had chosen to live at least within myself.

And then there were some major milestoney things that happened in my life. A definitive need for something more. A path chosen by all parties involved that opened even more doors for me. Gave me purpose as i had never had it before. And brought me to the feet of the next Man Who brought me to soaring heights of joy and in the end tremendous lows.

i met Him by happenstance, and ended up getting to know Him and He was there for me when i needed Someone of His caliber in my life. He accepted me, cared for me (i have to believe that or i’ll go insane), and showed me that i could submit fully and still retain the parts of myself i had almost always lost before. He took care of me in ways that no one else ever had before. And He made me feel cherished and special. He was everything i thought i needed and wanted in a Dominant Man. He was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, though none of us are however we strive for perfection every day of our lives.

And because of Him, i met another lovely lady. One who opened up that other part of me that hadn’t been touched since my previous relationship with a woman. Only much more intensified. she is a beautiful inside and out, simply lovely and absolutely the sexiest woman i’ve ever had the pleasure of coming into contact with. she has this way about her that draws ppl to her and she has such a giving nature, the likes of which often bring her stress and difficulty as she tries to fix those around her and make sure everyone is okay. All of that only adds to her beauty though. As i’ve said before and will probably say again i would eat her alive with a spoon, that is how delectable she is to me. And regardless of that the future holds i will always love her for who she is now and who she was to me in that special time in my life.

However, as wonderful as those times with the Man above were, they were not meant to be. i have had many thoughts and feelings where He was concerned…oh how deeply i cared for this Man. i haven’t even felt the way i felt about Him about another i know that now as i’ve been removed from the situation. The depth of feelings for Him were so great that when i was released from His collar it felt as if i was being ripped asunder. For awhile even time itself didn’t seem to effect me. i was simply existing in a world that was passing me by. my only goal was getting through every day with my bruised and broken heart still beating and with my head intact and not split right down the middle.

As time has passed i have seen things that have made me question much of Oour relationship and i hate that because it was something that i truly cherish in that locked secret place in my heart. i can only hope that what He once said to me was true, and that He truly felt the way He did when He said those things to me. It is something that, sadly, i will never know for He has closed Himself off from me to the point that i barely know Him anymore. Perhaps it is a defense mechanism against Him feeling something He does not wish to feel anymore, and perhaps it is simply that He doesn’t carry around the same emotional baggage of Oour time together because it didn’t matter to Him as much as it did to me. i do not know. And i suppose that is how it is going to go from now on. As He was famous for telling me…”It’s not about what you want.”

So to those Men and women who have entered and left my life whether fleetingly or for the long haul, i hope that Yyou all have wonderful futures and i hope that i was able to touch Yyou in some way during Oour time together. A new chapter has begun and a new story is on the horizon waiting to be written. i wish Yyou only the best. And love each and every one of Yyou in different, but very real ways.

Sometimes I Wonder…

 

Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if I had gotten a formal education.

Sometimes I wonder who I would have turned into if I'd have had different parents.

Sometimes I wonder what sort of views I would have if I had never heard of the Church or Jesus.

Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be now if I had known what I know now back when I was in high school.

Sometimes I wonder if friends in life are simply fleeting or if something I have done has driven them away.

Sometimes I wonder if that left turn I made 10 years ago took me on a completely different path than if I had taken a right turn.

Sometimes I wonder if free will is really all it's cracked up to be.

Sometimes I wonder if we are pre-destined to hurt hundreds of people in our lives before we are done.

Sometimes I wonder where I took the wrong turn.

Sometimes I wonder if some mistakes in life are irrevocable.

Sometimes I wonder if every choice we make really has to effect every single aspect of our lives.

Sometimes I wonder how much the end result really is worth all the insanity in between start and finish.

Sometimes I wonder if the ends really does justify the means.

Sometimes I wonder if He remembers me.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever forget the sound of my first love’s voice.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll survive the judgement at the end of the road.

Sometimes I wonder if I am an asset or a hindrance to the lives of people around me.

Sometimes I wonder…

Back To School Woes

 

   Well today i went shopping. Had intended to only buy some groceries for the week, but then ended up realizing it was the infamous tax free weekend where school supplies and clothing and shoes were tax free! So guess what happened to lil ole me? *snickers* Got caught up in the hubbub and ended up buying a few extra things.

   Am sort of stoked because i got 3 outfits and a pair of killer shoes for my daughter for $18!!! Sooooooooooo cool! Was very very happy! *dances around in a circle*

   Unfortunately, now on to unpleasantness. i cannot believe the amount of CRAP they want you to get your kids for school!!! It’s INSANE! i mean what happened to loose leaf paper and number 2 pencils? Come on!

   Noooooooooo they want dry erase markers (2 packages at flipping $3.50 a pack), Kleenex, Baby Wipes, Antibacterial Wipes, Glue Sticks, Construction Paper, Crayola Markers, 2 folders with brads in them (solid colors only please). And then they have the audacity to say that they also need paper plates and paper towels extra.

   PLUS you have to buy your child a backpack and all the necessary clothing items for school! And buy the extra stuff like school tshirts so your baby doesn’t look like a doofus next to the other children who have their tshirt. *groans* It’s a pain in the backside is what it is.

   i mean come on! It’s preschool for flips sake! And to top it all off you have to send five to ten dollars a month in for your child to buy snacks for the class because heaven forbid you buy them yourself and actually buy decent stuff. No they buy cookies and chocolate and crap like that and load your child down with it. *rolls eyes* It’s an abomination i tell ya!

   And don’t even get me started on the lack of cleanliness there. my daughter came home with many a ruined outfit because of the marker stains and the paint stains last year because they don’t even bother to cover the kids up when they are doing crafts. i mean good lord. i don’t like sending my child to school in crappy clothes. But the way they do it is almost better to do so!

   *growls and stomps off to make dinner completely fed up with the school system and has barely even started yet* Btw…enjoy your day readers! LOL i intend to attempt to enjoy my night. *winks* XOXO

The End of an Era

 

  Recently, i have come upon some rather disturbing news. i have heard many disquieting things that have caused me to turn introspective and search myself within, because the pain was so intense that i could not even breathe for the force of it bearing down upon me.

   You spend your entire life building friendships that reach back into your earliest childhood days. They survive storms and turbulence. Soaring highs and depressing lows through all the years. You are hurt, you do the hurting, you forgive and are forgiven. You put all yourself into these relationships. Taking these people into your lives and your hearts. You hurt for them when they are hurting and you rejoice with them when they are happy.

   And then one day…years and years into the relationship, something happens. Sometimes it is something similar to something that has happened in the past. Sometimes it is a complete surprise to you when it goes down. And you feel as if your entire world has gone off kilter because of this ordeal.

   That relationship you thought was the one thing in your life that has always been there, has always been constant, that would always survive any shitstorm that came your way, falls flat, deflated and decimated in moments. The hurt and the betrayal too much to bear. You wade around in the quagmire of your realizations and try to find purchase once again.

   You start to question all of your other relationships. You start to wonder what people truly feel about you. How they see you as a person. And you start to worry that perhaps if this one relationship that was supposed to stand the test of time can falter in such a way, then what is to keep the rest of them afloat in the sea of insanity that surrounds us from day to day.

   It is a harrowing experience and it is something that is harder and harder to come back from the more frequently it happens. Because you see, you are able to forgive the previous transgression because of the solidity of the friendship through all the years, but then it happens again and again and you are shook to your very core and unable to grab hold of that forgiveness and use it once again. Sometimes it’s best to just forget and walk away as opposed to trying to rebuild the friendship that shattered at your feet.

   So in closing i am going to clear up some of the rumors if i can. Whether or not you believe the truths when they are staring you in your faces is beyond me and not my problem really. If you choose to feel a certain way about someone who has been nothing but genuine and a true friend, lover or confidant to you then i can do nothing about that. It will be your choice. End of story.

   my husband and i have recently gone through a great storm of our own in our relationship. One that is not yet done, but one that we are working on. We had the thought to have an open relationship. To be able to find the happiness and fulfillment that we both wanted from the day we got together and fell short of. The open relationship was NOT my idea alone. It was offered up as an attempt at saving the marriage we started together. Period. After a time my husband started having second thoughts and doubts. At this point i was finally realizing the true fulfillment and happiness i had been longing for with Someone that will remain nameless, but who knows who He is if He bothers to read this. And so because of that reason alone i did not want to give up on what i had come to believe was a good thing and something that would help, not hinder our relationship.

   Also, it has been brought to my attention that apparently i am a mega-bitch and am nothing but hurtful and mean and nasty at every possible turn. (Forgive the poetic license in wording) That i am this way for no reason whatsoever. And that i treat my husband poorly to put it mildly from what i understand. i will admit that my moods and attitudes tend to leak over into other areas of my life if i am upset or terribly depressed or if i feel trapped. It is not something i am proud of, but it is a fact. A truth i have not really hidden from those that know me. i do not fake things. i do not have it in me to pretend to be happy and charming and sweet if i do not feel that way inside. Fake it til you make it is something that is foreign to me, but apparently something i am in dire need of attempting.

   As i said, if you chose to believe a certain way about me then that is your business and not something i can even begin to expend the energy to change. i am me. As i have always been. i am flawed, i am human, i am nowhere near perfect. Either you will accept me in all my imperfectness or you will not. i will miss those friendships as they have come to mean so very much to me. It will mean losing a part of my heart if i lose some of you, but i will not subject myself to doubts or ridicule or intrigue because of rumors that have been spouted by someone who you would think would know the truth, but once again has clouded everything to make it seem as if they were the better person and i am once more a trifling whore of a woman who doesn’t deserve even the semblance of a real friendship from anyone.

   To that “friend”…i should not be surprised by what has happened yet again. And yet somehow i am floored. Simply shocked and awed at the audacity with which you conduct yourself and your life. And how you think that doing these things is a way to gain you friendship or make yourself seem the better person. Two-faced does not even begin to sum up your behavior. And i am done. Simply done trying to salvage what is not there anymore. To you i wish you the happiness you so very much wish that i never have. Perhaps if you find true happiness then you will not feel the need to disparage others in front of their friends and confidants. Blessed be.

Celebrities “Real” Lives On TV

 

There are many different shows gracing the airways that focus on the supposed real life of the celebrities we have grown to love, hate and cherish throughout our lives.

B-List superstars that have tried to find one last chance at keeping themselves in the public eye in a supposed positive light. The Kardashians, that Growing up Twisted show, The Lamas’s, Snoop Dogg and his family, the list seems to go on and on and on.

i admit, i have been guilty of watching these shows. i adore them. A peek inside the insane lives of the rich and famous. Their tawdry affairs blasted on the tv for any and all to see and laugh at. It certainly serves to make one feel much better about their own lives.

In saying that though, i have to say that there is one of these shows in particular that i simply adore and can watch over and over again and when i see that the show is on marathon length on A&E i am on cloud nine. The funny thing is though i have never been a fan of this particular man exactly. i mean sure his music is alright and i appreciate what he and his rock group has done for music and many other enterprises, but it was not until i stumbled upon this show that i truly enjoyed him.

Gene Simmons Family Jewels is funny and entertaining. Insightful and even something i do not mind letting my children be around to see. To see his crazy exploits, and the way his family teases the dickens out of him. His children are smart and amazingly funny. It is like as close to a true portrayal of how his everyday life seems to go.

Even if it isn’t complete truth or if it is edited to make them look better i think at the core they are still a quality family that truly enjoy one another’s company as well as teasing one another endlessly.

So to Gene, Shannon, Nick and Sophie…thank you for making my days a little brighter and letting us into your world even on the fringes.

The Forgotten Journal

 

Lying a lone underneath the bed skirts of my Mistress’s bed my once full life has seen many better days. A shaft of light shines through the window and slashes across the cover of my nearly brand new pages. A glimmer of hope lights within my depths, but is quickly dashed as I realize it is simply a reflection off of one of my Mistress’s mirrors in her room.

As I sigh, I think back to all the amazing adventures and secret thoughts and wishes that my Mistress used to impart upon my pages. She used to tell me each and every one of her most guarded secrets and thoughts. Oh the joy I felt when she would giggle as she wrote of the escapades she would get herself into. And the sorrow I felt when she would tell me of whatever disheartening or sad things might have happened to her that day.

The life of a journal is such a roller coaster of emotions. Full of ups and downs and crazy twisty turny courses. We get to experience everything that goes on in our owners lives on the most basic and truest of levels. The happiness, the sadness, the excited highs and the depressed lows. From day to day we never know what will arrive on our  pages to bring us into being. For a journal that has not been written in is simply a book of blank pages. A journal can never come into it’s full potential until someone takes hold of pen and puts it to paper to give us the words that are hidden within the deepest parts of their souls.

So here I lay. Alone and forgotten with blank pages still within my binding. For you see, my Mistress forgot all about me it seems. Though it seems like just yesterday that she sat with me on her lap and wrote of all her dreams and longings within my pages, over the last little while she has come to me less and less. She doesn’t pick me up and sit cradling me in her hands as she thinks about the things roiling around inside of her. No, she has tossed me aside, hidden under the bed, to a place where only forgotten hair bands and scraps of paper, and those awful, mean looking Dust Bunnies lurk.

And those Dust Bunnies are a gang of the worst kind. Crawling out of the darkness to clamp their grimy little hands and fuzzy little feet around my binding and over the edges of my pages. They even seem to make a slithery sound, almost cackling as they slip and slide over those scraps of papers, forgotten paper clips and of course there is that nasty looking shoe that has its nose stuck under the skirts of the bed. Dust Bunnies are evil, hateful little creatures that come upon you unexpectedly and take you unawares.  What makes it all worse when dealing with those particular beasties, is that seeing as how I have no arms, I am not even able to discourage them from attacking me out of the blue. I am at their complete mercy until the day my Mistress decides to pick me up again.

My biggest worry, however, is that when she does pick me up, it won’t be to once again grace my pages with her fluid script, no, but to toss me in a box and forget all about me until the next time she gives books to goodwill or a thrift shop. Because when that happens, she won’t want to give away her old, forgotten journals, but will toss them into yet another box, or worse into that bbq grill and set us on fire. That is the sort of thing a forgotten journal thinks about and fears through the many days of endless boredom, and the long cold nights of unuse.

So until the day comes when my Mistress picks me up once more, I will stay as I am. Hidden in the shadows, lost and alone. Quietly, patiently, biding my time and dreaming of once again being the cherished companion of my beloved Mistress. I will quietly long for the days when she will once again take me into her tender hands and let her most secret wishes, thoughts and dreams flow from her mind onto my blank pages. When I will once again matter and have a purpose. Hoping that she will one day pick me up and continue to write her feelings and experiences in me until my pages are overflowing with words.

Only then will my existence have mattered. Only then will I have seen all I need to see. Only then will I have reached my full potential. So as Mistress used to write at the end of every journal entry…Until next time Mistress…I pray that that time is not so very far away as it could be. Faithfully your servant…Your Once Cherished Journal

A Day In The Life Of An Addict

 

Yes i am an addict. i suppose it’s time to confess. It may come as a shock to some of you out there, but i think i have hidden my dirty little secret for quite long enough. So brace yourselves and know that this is a very difficult confession for me.

There is one thing in my life that i have been unable to get away from. No matter how much i try, or how determined i am to walk away from this particular obsession it just seems to keep crawling back in and won’t let me go.

i sincerely hope that my revelations do not make you as my friends and family and random readers think poorly of me. i would hate for my addiction to put a strain on our most cherished relationships. i hope that you as my group of close confidants will stand by me and see me through these hard times.

i, my friends, am a book addict…i know i know…it’s shameful and embarrassing to admit such a deep addiction to something so heinous. It is taking a great deal for me to come clean about this insane addiction that i can’t seem to shake.

Days on end i can do nothing but read. i have withdrawals if i cannot purchase new books as soon as they come out. i start going through the DT’s if i end up without a new book to read and have to immediately start searching through the boxes and shelves of books at my disposal to have something, anything to read. Even if i’ve read it a dozen times before.

 

i become entangled in the lives of the people i read about. They become alive to me when i am reading the stories of their lives. i become enthralled by the situations they find themselves in and yearn for them to make it through yet again. Even though i know deep down that they are not real, or that they are going to come through with flying colors as they’ve done countless times before.

 

   

     i see the characters in books in my head as i read about them, i see the scenes depicted on the pages as clearly as if i were there myself, from the mundane to the mediocre to the out of this world. It is all there in my brain for my mind to revel in every time i turn the pages.

   So for me…reading is an addiction. It is something i have to do in order to feel whole. It makes me feel better than all the chocolate in the world. Words are one of the most important ways of communication in our world and they are of paramount importance to one such as myself. i know i tease about the addiction part, but in truth i suppose that it is in fact reality and something i am damn proud of. No matter what others might say. *winks*